Tears of a Pierrot
by meme12
Summary: Inumine is useless person except for musicals. An agreed truth but no one believes it more than Inumine Seishiro himself. WARNINGS: OOC Inumine, Depression, Stress Eating, Self Harm mentioned


Hey guys, a lot of stuff happened in 2019. I lost important people in my life and had not had the strength to write for a while until now. I am slowly getting back into writing since then but this year will be the year I despise and will probably not talk about it for a while. The year where a part of my heart is gone forever and can't come back. So yes, a bit of a depressing dark fanfic coming up for ironically one of the more cheerful anime that actually helped me in my recovery. Updates for fics are underway particularly for a certain story for me to Pick Up the Pieces on. Until then please enjoy Tears of a Pierrot.

* * *

Summary: Inumine is pretty much useless for anything else except musicals though. It's a term that has been uttered and agreed pretty much agreed among the Stars of stars in Ayanagi Academy. No one is more aware of that then Inumine himself. After all, he has been trying all his life only for it to backfire on him so often. In the end, all he can do is to keep masking his sadness behind a Pierrot mask and continue to perform well so that they will never throw him away.

**WARNING:** Extremely OOC Inumine, depression, stress eating and self harm triggers mentioned in the story

* * *

**Tears of a Pierrot**

"Inumine is pretty much useless at everything except musicals." Those words were constantly said every time, regardless whether he was around or away. Most would have balked at those words but Inumine Seishiro just laughs. From the very beginning, Inumine knew he wasn't special, useless even. If his team ever knew what he was actually like, they would probably hate him. Ayanagi Inumine loved being with his friends. The real Inumine prefers to be alone. Ayanagi Inumine is hyperactive and loud all the time. The real Inumine is quiet and tired all the time. Ayanagi Inumine is a hundred percent brimming with positive energy. The real Inumine is depressed and has a negative outlook towards the world. He grew up watching his parents fawn over his older sibling who was a lot smarter then him and cared little about what he did. In a way, he related to Tsukigami regarding how he felt being overshadowed by his older brother. He was lucky though…his brother loves and cares deeply for him unlike his older sibling who taunted him and despise him just for existing.

He wanted to scream and shout so badly that he was…is trying. He is trying…trying so hard but it was hard to read…the words just seem to dance on the page and he just couldn't focus long enough when that happened. Before he knew it, he was doodling instead of studying and his grades reflected the outcome. He tried telling his parents and teachers but they didn't want to hear it and spend every moment telling him how useless he was compared to his older sibling and practically gave up on him. Friends were an even more foreign concept to Inumine. He tried desperately to fit in but it just seemed that there was just something about him that they had to pick on him for. He was too tall, he can't do his work right, he's too gloomy, too sad… It was a dark time…everyday it got harder to get up in time for school, to pay attention in class…to swallow every insult from everyone without the urge to cry or scream. Everyday was too noisy for Inumine and he felt suffocated under the weight of his emotions, the expectations of those around him and his own self-loathing.

When he cried, they laughed even more, and he came home with even more injuries since he refused to fight back. If he screamed or tried to fight, no one took his side since he was much taller then his peers and they assumed he started the mess. The male was literally trapped in a walking nightmare, with no means of waking up from. It took a while for Inumine realized what he can do and it came in the form of a commercial of a stage performance. The person on the stage shone so brightly, brimming with hope and light. Looking around him, he notices how everyone was smiling and being entranced by the commercial. Looking back to the screen, Inumine felt it all click. All he had to do, was to act and make everyone laugh then maybe they will finally accept him... So, he changed.

He gathered his tears and insecurities, hid it behind a mask and took on the role of a pierrot. He watched musicals and copied their songs and dance and did random performances in school and odd timings of the day. The teachers were frustrated and the class still bullied him but they were laughing and Inumine saw it as a win. If he is so useless in this grey and terrifying world, he could at least try to make himself useful by making everyone feel better by laughing at him even if it was at his own expense.

Yet…every time he did so…he felt increasingly empty. His own happiness leaking away with every stunt he pulled off. Every single time he tried to ignore the insults, he felt just a little bit of himself crumbling away. He couldn't understand why but it made him useful to everyone. So, he shouldered on with the world as his stage and literally acted himself through the years and into Ayanagi High School.

However, with the good days, there were always the bad. On the days where it was just too much, it often led to Inumine bringing a knife to his skin. It had been a common outlet for him before he started 'acting'. The pain was a reminder that he could feel something other than sadness or emptiness and helped his anger and self-loathing. After all…he needed to be punished for being this useless right…? It will be just a quick controlled nick, in between his thighs. Just enough to bleed but light enough to heal with an extremely light scar. He has a deep scar on his inner thigh on his very first try. It needed stiches but the light headedness from the pain and blood loss had felt so freeing from the usual emptiness and sadness that he became addicted to it. The wrists were too obvious and could possibly lead to more possible taunts in the past or ruin his carefully crafted persona in his current position in Ayanagi. He stopped soon enough when he realised that it could affect his performance in Ayanagi however he couldn't stop the strong urges on certain days where his insecurity took hold. Those days where he accidentally cut a bit too deeply and he disappeared from his teammates for almost a whole day. He was grateful that he had integrated his disappearing act purely out of survival instincts from bullies but it made his team less suspicious of why he disappeared often.

In the end, he adopted a new coping method which was stress eating. It was something he developed under his new persona of Inumine Seishiro. The hyper, random singer and always starving student. The always hungry part…a stark blatant lie. It was the only way he could make his disappearing a normal occurrence. Who would question him of sneaking off to hide under the guise of sneaking out to find food? He always felt bad especially for Nayuki who always made extra for him, thinking that he will always be hungry, and the food often ended up being retched into the toilet from eating too much while he sobs silently at himself in self-loathing. Yet…Inumine still continued to do so. The act made everyone laughed (It did annoy Ugawa but he is grumpy all the time) and he (ashamedly) enjoyed living in this lie, this persona where he was accepted for his acting skills.

There were times where Inumine gets exhausted of his act and wants to confess everything to his team and show them the real Inumine Seishiro. But when Tatsumi smiles saying "Inumine is pretty much useless at everything except musicals." He felt the words die in his throat and knows that he may never be able to show his true self to anyone. If he did, he might lose all of his worth and be thrown away like trash. In an ironic twist of fate he had become too good of an actor, wrapped up in a persona which he could never tear away from or perhaps...maybe even live without.

After all, if you believe in a lie long enough… Doesn't it become the truth?

**The End**

* * *

Hope you guys have enjoyed the story. Please don't kill me, I adore Inumine but I do feel that there is actually more behind his happy go lucky behavior sometimes. Don't forget to read and review, this is meme12 saying sayonara matta o.


End file.
